


Everyone loves me, and Therefore everyone is Gay

by dkthunderIV



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Betting, Non-Binary Inquisitor, Other, Pointless Arguments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-08
Updated: 2014-12-08
Packaged: 2018-02-28 14:30:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2736068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dkthunderIV/pseuds/dkthunderIV
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone wants a piece of the Inquisitor, but no one can agree on what gender they are, or whether or not they are even single.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everyone loves me, and Therefore everyone is Gay

“The Inquisitor is a charming specimen of a man, isn’t he?” Dorian sighs wistfully.  He rests his chin in his hand, looking at the doorway the aforementioned mage walked out not too long ago, not paying attention to the rest of his companions at the table.

Varric hums disbelievingly, not looking up his paper and ink.  Cole looks at Dorian out of the corner of his eye, brows furrowed in confusion.

“Specimen?” the spirit asks, euphemism lost.  “I thought the Inquisitor was an elf.”

“He is, Cole,” Cassandra says softly.  Varric is surprised to see her gaze following the empty doorframe.  “He truly is.”

“Don’t tell me you have a _crush_ , Seeker,” the dwarf chides, placing his pen in the inkwell.  Cassandra’s cheeks go bright red, and the attention of everyone else at the table was caught.

“I-I do _not_ ,” she splutters.  “I can just… appreciate the Inquisitor’s beauty.  That’s all.”

“Admit it, his ass is divine, isn’t it?” Dorian teases, turning his attention to the group.  The Seeker stays stubbornly silent.  Cullen leans forward, puzzled.

“He? I thought the Inquisitor’s a woman,” he states, sure of himself.  “And I happen to like every part of _her_ , Dorian, not just her back side.”

“I more like the fact she can see things in shades of gray,” Solas says unexpectedly, and poignantly.  “I’m referring to you, Seeker.”

“Are you saying I’m an all or nothing type of person?” she responds, temper flaring.

“I’m saying your complete faith in the Chantry is worrying.”

“Why, you--”

“I think,” Josephine interjects, throwing an arm in Cassandra’s path to prevent her from strangling the elven mage.  “I think that no matter what gender the Inquisitor may be, that they are a lovely, balanced and attractive person.”

“Aye,” Blackwall agrees quietly, taking a sip from his tankard.  Cole tries to interject, worry defined clearly in his features, but Varric puts a gentle hand on his shoulder, stopping him.  Lowly, he whispers _let them argue_ , and the spirit nods his head and relaxes.

“I think _she_ has got the most FANTASTIC tits!” Sera interjects, gesticulating wildly.  “I’ve seen ‘em!  She keeps ‘em under wraps, but _shite_ , they’re the best thing since mead!”

Dorian raises a hand in argument, and Cassandra’s face goes a shade of wine red.  Josephine, Cullen, and Blackwall look at the rogue in surprise, one step away from asking what the  Inquisitor’s infamous breasts looked like, and Solas pinches his temples in frustration.  Varric laughs loud and long, unable to go back to work in the face of the ridiculousness.  Cole sits there biting his lip, for once fighting the urge to spill the truth for them.

“When did you ever see the Inquisitor _naked_ , Sera?” Dorian asks, incredulous.

“She didn’t see me, but we were on a mission, and it was late.  We were a few days out from Skyhold, and she needed to bathe and I saw--”

“That’s _quite_ enough, Sera!” Solas yells, throwing his hands down on the table.  His cheeks glow redder by the minute like Cassandra’s, and that makes Varric laugh harder.

“The Inquisitor can’t possibly be with all of us,” Blackwall says sternly.  “This sort of thing rests solely on their shoulders.  We can’t force this onto them.”

“But we can _bet_ on it, yeah?” Sera suggests with a devilish grin.  “Whoever woos the Inquisitor not only gets _her_ , but money from all the daft suckers who thought they’d get ‘er!”

“ _Him_ , rogue,” Dorian corrects sternly.  He throws a small stack of silver coins in the center.  “I’m sure he would mind if I put, oh, I don’t know, thirty silvers on this wager?”

“Thirty silvers? Have _faith_ , Dorian! I’m puttin’ three sovereigns on my chances,” Sera proudly says, placing three gold coins in the pile.

Blackwall tosses a gold coin into the pile with a noncommittal grunt.  “They choose what they want.  It’s probably not going to be me.”

Solas slams fifty silvers into the pile, brow furrowed with annoyance and jealousy.  Cassandra’s facial expression was very similar when she threw seventy silvers into the pile.

“I’m only betting this much because I really think I have a chance,” Cullen grumbles, cheeks pink as he places five gold pieces in the pile.  Josephine slides ten silvers into the pile, shaking her head at their ridiculousness.

“Should we include Madame de Fer or Leliana?” she asks good-naturedly.

“Lady Vivienne dislikes sex, and Leliana has a love,” Cole responds quietly, producing his empty purse as an excuse not to bet.  “... I think.”

The residents of the table, sans Cole, look at Varric expectantly, waiting to see who the prolific gambler would put his money on.  The dwarf took his purse off his belt, and set the entire thing down on top of the pile.

“I bet all of the money I have on hand on the Iron Bull,” he says cheekily.  All of the love struck betters fretted confusedly, but Varric and Cole shared a knowing smile.

“The Bull would want him for nothing but sex,” Cassandra spluttered, Josephine now physically blocking her from attacking Solas outright.  “What makes you so sure, you _ass_?”

“Have you seen the two of them together?”  Everyone stops what they’re doing.  Cassandra is in mid strike while Solas is shrinking away, and Josie halfway onto the table in an effort to stop them.  Sera and Blackwall are in the middle of taking sips from their tankards, and Cullen and Dorian have their fists intertwined into each other’s jackets.  Cole busies himself by playing with the edge of his collar, and while he has the attention of everyone at the table, Varric continues.

“They’re together all the damn time.  If they’re not joking or singing on a mission, they’re here in this tavern drinking.  Or, they’re missing altogether.  Both of them.  At the same time.”  Cassandra, Solas and Cullen try to argue, but Varric effectively silences them with a pointed look.  

“They danced together in the Orlesian ball.  Hell, if they’re drunk enough, they dance in here with the Chargers and the common folk!  They ride on the same horse sometimes if the Inquisitor’s tired.  They both have that sappy look to them when they’re looking at each other, their touches are too long to be considered _friendly_ , I mean, for the sake of the Maker, I write this shit for a _living_.  How have all of you not seen this?”

“Also,” Cole adds quietly, “I don’t think the Inquisitor takes kindly to ‘he’ or ‘she’.  Don’t you notice that they, like to be referred to as _they_?”  Varric points to Cole emphatically, proving his point.

“Where is the Bull anyway?” Dorian asks quietly.

The door opens behind them, and they all turn to see who it is.  To their surprise, it’s the Iron Bull, looking pleasantly smug.  He swaggers into the room, Leliana in hot pursuit, looking extremely confused.  As the qunari moves closer, they can all notice the love bites that pepper his skin and the confident, ‘I-just-had-sex’ smirk.

“I can assure you all that the Inquisitor is well taken care of,” he says, on the edge of laughter.  He must have heard the latter portion of their conversation, the more lovestruck betters realize.  Cassandra and Solas shrink away from each other, resting shyly in their chairs, and Cullen and Dorian let go of each other to help Josie off the table.  Sera and Blackwall toast him in approval, taking a large swig from their tankards, unconcerned about the money they just lost.  Cole smiles shyly, and Varric points at the qunari, smug in proving his point.

“Were you _betting_?” the spymaster accuses pointedly.

“Cough up, all of you,” the dwarf says curtly, ignoring her.  Everyone pushes the money towards him, and Leliana slams her hands down on the table while he collects it, looking him right in the eye.

“Yes, we were betting, Leliana.  Everyone wants a piece of the poor Inquisitor,” he chuckles.

“Too bad,” Bull said bluntly.  “I’ve got them all to myself.”

Everyone watches as the Bull turns around in effort to head back outside, fetching a bottle of mead and a forgotten platter of cakes.

“If you’ll excuse me.  The Inquisitor is due for some well deserved _pampering_ ,” the Bull teases, smirking as he slams the tavern door behind himself.

“See? They,” Cole says quietly.  Everyone else just ponders their loss, embarrassed while Leliana fumes and Varric laughs.

**Author's Note:**

> non binary inquisitor is best inquisitor, especially if they're lavellan. because then you could romance everyone.


End file.
